3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure