Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
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Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.