Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
found my next D&D character name
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??