I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
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Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
getting groceries
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”