So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
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[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER