I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
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Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.