[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
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Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
We decided to have money instead of children.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*