A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
first you must answer his riddles
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
g
a
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d
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……