Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.