Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes