they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm