Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
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I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?