It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.