*offers Batman cough drops*
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests