I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
the red hot silly peppers
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
spot the difference
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Proofread twice, hang posters once
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well