They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**