“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.