Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
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God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me