I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene