anyone else like Italian cereal
You Might Also Like
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Warm pools make me nervous.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Cake!!