It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
That took me a moment.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend