Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
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Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Cause of death: Zumba
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.