Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
*pronounces fake like saké*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
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***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people