5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
You Might Also Like
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet