Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
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imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I saw nothing
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes