The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
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Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
As the Lord intended
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Pigeon open mic night.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.