I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
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HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.