“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
m’lady
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.