Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My what?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂