I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
and now we wait
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*