In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you