how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
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[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
This makes total sense…
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.