ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
two people or more is called a problem
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism