jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Sing it!
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.