I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
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every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
58.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.