Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?