My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Kermit goes Blue.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.