I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
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A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
handsome & gretel
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.