What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.