Siri, fight Alexa.
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i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
how to have an accident 101
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Not all heroes wear capes.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.