1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form