When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
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A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake