Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
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So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser