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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom