I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
I think my mom just blocked me
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee