I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
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sir, my pâté if you please
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Schrödinger’s cookie
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same