if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.