Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.