Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
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Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Oops I deleted….
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”