You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.